This is a bit of advice to any men who half-care about what they wear, or at least don’t want to get in trouble for the clothing decisions they make. All of the following are off limits:
- Any sort of gloves besides winter gloves, and it better be cold. This starts with the driving gloves (you look like a jerk) and work gloves (keep them in the toolbox in your trunk/flatbed), which are the two most common kinds of gloves a guy would wear in public, but don’t think that sports gloves (golf, boxing, baseball, work-out) or oven mitts will be okay in public either. And don’t wear your white gloves to a formal party. She knows you are going to get drunk, slap some uptight slag in the face with those things and challenge him to a duel.
- Your funny shirts. Let me be clear here – my funny shirts are tasteful and I can wear them whenever I want, but your “funny” shirts show how much of a child you are, just like the extra distance your girlfriend/wife walks from you when you wear these things.
- Stuff with stains, holes, paint, or grease on it. Your wife/girlfriend doesn’t care that you are only walking the dog or need to pick something up from the hardware store. What I’m saying here is that women won’t like it, not that guys should change this behavior or that women are rational.
- A shirt with “I am dating/married to ________”. I have threatened to do this many times; with the threat being that whenever I do something embarrassing, everybody around will know exactly who chooses to love this. On the other hand, it would be pretty tough for a guy to cheat with one of these shirts on, so maybe it’s not a bad idea.
- Face paint. This pretty much only applies for sporting events, but even so, she doesn’t like it. You might think that sports matches are an okay place to act like an idiot because everybody is acting like an idiot, dressing in the same colors/jerseys, and generally not caring about common decency (see full body painting). The problem is TV cameras love to show the most over-the-top fans, and that’s usually the nut with face paint on. You showing up on the local news yelling “WOOOOOOOO, GO COOOOOOOGARS!!!!” is not the sort of thing likely to make her heart become overwhelmed with pride. Take a bit of advice – wear your team hat, team jersey, team shirt under the jersey and do the same fun, dumb things without the face paint and you’ll likely go passed over by the TV cameraman, and save your gal from humiliation. The one exception here is if your child is playing in the game – then she’ll consider it “supportive” and okay.
Since I am not a woman, there is a finite amount of advice I can give before it all becomes conjecture. What did I miss – leave a comment to let me know other common male fashion faux pas.